Who Moved My Cheese?

Any of you read that book? It's a modest, little book that helps you learn how to deal with change in your life. I think I need a refresher course. There are big changes that have come to 503 this week and although they are ALL for the better I'm still sad to say bye to the things I've come to be bff's with. Like this blog. Nothing fancy, but it's become a dear friend. Now, it's being replaced by a prettier blog with fancier buttons and graphics. Don't get me wrong - I'm SO excited to debut it, but I must be honest in saying that I'll miss this place. 


So, bye 503 blogspot. You've been good to me, but this business is deserving more. 


*make sure to update your bookmarks and RSS feeds. 

503 |online| Workshops are legit.

“We learn…

 

10% of what we read.

20% of what we hear.

30% of what we see.

50% of what we see and hear.

70% of what we discuss.

80% of what we experience.

95% of what we teach others.”

 

~William Glasser


This past Wednesday marked the unofficial, last day of 503's first workshop (I say unofficial because my students have a lifetime membership to my brain). I've always known that I love to teach and even more so see others learn, but this workshop has been the most rewarding thing I've done to date with this business and to be honest it's taken me - in the most refreshing sense - by surprise. It most definitely took up more time then I had planned, but it was all such a labor of love. Honestly, I enjoyed every question that came my way and every reply email that said, "ah, ha! I get it!". I don't feel like I can say thank you enough to the 21 people who signed up. All I originally had was a little ol' blog and still there were a ton of people - from California to Tennessee, Massachusetts to Florida - who trusted me to teach photography in a way that would help them truly be able to spread their wings and succeed in the art. I'd like to say that there are 21 new (or simply improved) photography birds out there. 


I'm thrilled to be able to announce my new workshop website. I've worked much too long on it and then had a huge scare where I thought for a solid 8 days that it had disappeared, but then it was found and I was happy and so very relieved and now that I'm writing a giant, run-on sentence and I don't care because I will not be turning this in for a grade I think I might just write the rest of this blog post in just one sentence...


...without further adieu:


CHECK IT OUT! 


And, then sign up! I know it's not until June, but still you can sign up and guarantee yourself a spot and then write it on your calendar and count down the days for the best workshop ever.


For any of you that study all things 503 you'll notice that the price has gone up, but that's for good reason. I have some major-awesome improvements that will come along with workshop #2. It's worth it. Promise. 


Happy Monday!

a shared burden

"Bring me your weakness, and receive My Peace. Accept yourself and your circumstances just as they are, remembering that I am sovereign over everything. Do not wear yourself out with analyzing and planning.  Instead, let thankfulness and trust be your guides through this day; they will keep you close to Me.  As you live in the radiance of my Presence, My Peace shines upon you.  You will cease to notice how weak or strong you feel, because you will be focusing on Me. The best way to get through this day is step by step with Me.  Continue this intimate journey, trusting that the path you are following is headed for heaven."

A friend emailed this morning with this excerpt from a devotional book she is reading. It was just what I needed to hear. "Accept yourself and your circumstances just as they are....Do not wear yourself out with analyzing and planning...You will cease to notice how weak or strong you feel, because you will be focusing on Me." 

Thank you friends and family for the outpouring of love that has come our way. I have been overwhelmed in the best of ways by it. The emails and phone calls, comments, baked goods and cards and flowers. Our neighbor scooped up two flower arrangements that she saw sitting on our front porch to protect them from the cold (I was not at home). When Corey went to pick them up she happily asked, "Is it her birthday?!". "Ummmm.....yea.....no......not exactly. Gotta run. Thanks!" 

I am sitting here on my couch right now with intentions to go to the gym, but I must write. I want to publicly thank everyone for their immense kindness. The world has a lot of pain and ugliness in it, but there is also an immense amount of goodness. Thank you for your shared tears and heart aches, for your encouragement and pursuit of us. Without you all we'd be in a dark hole, sucking our thumbs and crying out "uncle!". 

Instead, we are feeling more and more like the ice is melting.

Oh...my heart truly feels like it is beating as it should because of your help. Thank you for not making us feel alone, but instead reminding us again and again and again that we are not alone and our pain is in fact not just ours, but yours, too. Thanks for helping us carry the burden. It won't be here forever, but while it is you all are making it much easier to handle. 

I feel so indebted. 

There are a few non-negotiables in my life when it comes to purchases...dresses - see a cute one, buy it, name brand peanut butter and mac&cheese, Glade plug-ins and flowers. I will happily work just to have flowers around. They have been such a blessing to have around our house so thank you for sending them. Not to mention they give me something else pretty to photograph which is the best type of therapy in itself. 

All our love,

j&c
















O' Charley's

Of course I can't sleep. It's probably because I stayed in bed until 1 p.m. and then ate cookie cake for dinner. Sugar only medicates for a moment, I've discovered so I just kept eating it. Tomorrow I'm meeting my mom at the O'Charleys half way between Cincinnati and Knoxville. As of tonight, I've coined it the saddest O'Charley's in the world. The first time I met a friend there we sat in our booth for over six hours crying over our food, dessert and later coffee while discussing our rather sad lives at the moment. It involved our families. My next visit there was a good six months later. I was meeting my mom for lunch to drop off Chili for the weekend while Corey and I drove north to Buffalo to visit grandparents. I was late - first time ever - which is huge when you've been spending a solid 19 months trying to get pregnant. On my way out the door it was confirmed that I was in fact still infertile. I called my girlfriend to cry and then was given news that knocked my cry to an entirely different ballpark. At their ultrasound the day before, they couldn't find the heartbeat. I sat over my meal again at O'Charleys - same type of booth, only on the opposite side of the restaurant - and cried over my meal. Tomorrow will be no different. 

This past December I wrote an update email to my closest friends and family. I titled it "update on our fight for a baby". Inside was the best update I could give on where we were to date. It started like this...  

"Obviously, nothing about this process has been easy, but we are both very happy. We are in love, we have a beautiful home, jobs we love, everyone we know and love is healthy, and we are both very much aware of the intentional road God has us on. I picture the day when we'll be sitting in a stale hospital room, painted in colors of white, sea foam green and pale peach and holding a baby we've fought very hard for." 

I went on to explain where we were in the infertility process and also my shock when picking up my new round of meds from Kroger.

The photo was attached really to provide a bit of comic relief. It's all very serious, I'm not in denial of that, but the site of this pile of medicine (I failed to include another box of medicine that was picked up from another trip to the pharmacy, left upstairs) is humorous. There's just no way around it. Well, unless you see it as a way to conjure up a bit of pity from everyone around, but I am not that way. I ended the email with this...

p.s. I was telling my friend, Cyndi, over brunch this week that I just realized I have totally been going through the stages of grieving the past 18 months (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) and finally I have come to this sweet place of acceptance. It's really quite liberating. So, I wanted to tell you all that because although this isn't easy and although we have hard days, we're both in a good place. Honestly.

I spent Christmas giving myself shot after shot and visiting my doctor for routine ultrasound updates (once on Christmas Eve, once the day after Christmas). Roughly two weeks later I got the typical, ugly pregnancy test that only shows one pink line (I quit buying those digital read out ones because screaming "NOT PREGNANT" at someone is just quite rude). Corey and I sat over burgers and beer that night and cried (well, I did) and yelled with our faces out of sheer frustration. We finally left, with two, quite full to-go boxes (neither of us were very hungry) and decided that we needed a break. We were just wiped. Exhausted. Stretched. Exasperated. Hurt. Sad. And, so very frustrated. We decided on a two-month break. I took a sigh of relief. I needed a break so very much - not from the fight for a baby, no I'm not giving up easy, just the hormones. 

Six days later, it was a Saturday at 1 a.m. and I was in the shower so as to save on hot water for the next morning. Our friends were in town (remember this post?). I thought of the fact that although I felt as if it was coming at any minute, I hadn't started. I told Corey. He asked me why I was telling him that and I told him I wasn't sure. I'm sure it's coming, but I just would have thought it would have paid me a lovely visit by now. We decided I take a pregnancy test so as to not lose sleep, it wasn't worth it. So, I did. 

I considered putting the picture here that I took so that we never forgot what our first positive pregnancy test looked like. But, upon opening it I almost threw up so I'll leave it to your imagination. You know what it looks like. one line=still infertile, two lines=life and celebration and sweet relief and shock and tears...oh, the tears - they were like no other...and new plans and family photos and vacations and holidays with a newborn and  so, so, SO much more. 

We have spent the past two weeks celebrating with a very chosen few which of course included both of our families. The joy and relief that this road was finally changing courses was like nothing I've ever experienced. Although I did immediately sign up at Babycenter.com and pull out my lists of names I liked and thought of what it would be like if I were pregnant with twins (a strong possibility when o.d.'ing on fertility meds), I did not dream of the baby room (too much) or start moving furniture or posting anything on a billboard. I know that these things don't always pan out and I wanted to be careful. "You're just guarding your heart," my girlfriend said. So much so that I really didn't know what to do with this newfound joy. I emailed another girlfriend and explained how I was feeling by telling her that it's as if I've grown so accustomed to the "darkness" - not knowing really where we're heading or if the steps we're taking are even in the right direction - that this light God has shed on us is rather blinding and overwhelming. I don't know this portion of my life with light, only darkness. It's what I'm used to. Comfortable with, you might say. The light was new and I wasn't sure what to do with it. So, I tried to warm up to it by thinking of our lives come September. I dreamt of delivering on my birthday and thought about us sitting in that stale hospital room, painted in colors of white, sea foam green and pale peach, holding the baby we had fought so very hard for. I thanked God for finally answering the millions of hours of prayers that had gone up and I was happy. 

At this moment, the very moment I'm writing this, I cannot imagine allowing myself to dream of the future. I am the ultimate optimist, but this world has officially crumbled in on us and I can't even fathom viewing it with hope. I miscarried this past weekend. I was only six weeks along, but it was still much too long pregnant. The light, although overwhelming, shed the type of warmth we've needed for so long. 

After our ultrasound Saturday confirming the loss of life, I was rejoined with my friend, Sadness, and I felt comfortable again. I'm not saying he's my favorite friend, but he surely knows me the best right now. My chest is so heavy - the type of heaviness where you breathe and feel immediately after like you haven't breathed in an hour. It's hard to hurt alone, much less to see the ones you love the most hurt just as much. I'm overwhelmed with the darkness. The light should not have teased us. It feels cruel and thoughtless and like a giant prank that will never leave us the same. We will never be the same. 

I was reminded again this weekend the beauty of sadness. (I'm not being an optimist now. I have no desire to shed any positivity on what we've just went through. Maybe one day (doubt it), but not now.) It has a way of making us notice the details. I noticed the way my husband's lips look when he's heartbroken, the way he touches me when he longs to take away the pain, the way my Dad's voice sounds when he's crying, but trying to hide it, the way the pages feel to the book I'm reading, the couple standing in line in front of us - her wedding ring, his eyes, the way I feel about my business and writing and music and friends and family and even strangers, the way the bed feels warm when we're in it together, the way that when Sadness has taken over you can stare into each other's eyes without feeling the least bit of awkwardness, the way the ice looks when it's enveloped all the tree's branches. Yes, I decided to go outside. It was refreshing. Our dog ran in circles with sheer excitement of our presence. Corey chased her around while I took blurry, out of focus pictures of them playing. Then, I stayed outside a bit longer by myself in a trance by the beauty created by cold weather and precipitation. You see my newfound joy had left me content at spending the winter inside. Sadness returned and invited me out. I wasn't happy about it, but I felt at peace breathing in the crisp air. 











I have decided to blow this photo up to a large, gallery wrap canvas for our stairwell leading to our bedroom. I've been trying to decide what to put there and I think it's the most accurate picture for where we are right now. A bud prepared to bloom, just wrapped in ice for the moment. But, the Spring will come, it knows, and when it does it will bloom bright and big and exclaim to the world that even through the dark winter it made it and is all the better for it. 

Yes, Spring will come...

Whew

We made it through the worst part of this storm that has hit the Midwest with a vengeance. There's still 8+ inches of snow and ice resting all over the city, but we made it through 3 rough days of winter weather all without losing our power, thank you very much. The other night I was sitting here alone, Corey working the night shift, when our lights flickered. I almost started to cry. You see I am TERRIFIED of the dark and a dark+cold-husband night=saddest and SCARIEST night ever. Luckily, it was only a flicker and I was able to go to bed clothed in my pj's, soft socks, 3 blankets and heating pad for some extra warmth. 

My girlfriend emailed me the other day and said she wished she had some photography skills (she should take my workshop) so that she could photograph some of this winter wonder. She suggested I go out and document some of the giant icicles hanging off the trees. Although it sounded like a good idea, it only took me remembering that I would have to actually go outside in order to do that so icicles are one thing that will not be documented by me this winter. I will though take pictures of our nice fire burning right now. Will that work? 

Until the sun decides to return from it's hiatus the area around our house looks like a winter wonderland...or winter war zone, take your pick. Our six, tall trees that block our backyard from busy Beechmont (only five houses away) are so heavy with snow and ice they are taking a nice winter nap on our back deck. Not sure if they'll ever wake up again. And, our little tree that sits right in our front yard...it looks like it's using all it's branches to bow down to the snow below. I think one more minute of snow might break all it's poor branches. Come on, little guy, you can make it! Just because big brother split down the middle this past summer when hurricane Ike came through does not mean you have to join him! 

My car had some work done this past weekend and because of the weather it has been sitting at the service center all week. This means that minus our short trip to Blockbuster yesterday I have been sitting at home for five solid days. I told you. I wish I were a bear. It's really no different that my car hasn't been here anyway. Yesterday morning the news interrupted Ellen saying they have declared a stage 3 snow storm and anyone out on the road can legally be arrested. "Ma'am, I see on your record that you've been arrested before." "Yes, sir" "Might I ask why?" "I drove in the snow." "Well, ma'am, you know there's no possible way we can hire you for the job. You're going to have to find another orphanage that will hire ex-convicts." 

But, now I finally have my car back and tomorrow I have big plans for myself: bank, Kinkos, post office, gym (maybe), take a nap. You try driving and walking everywhere on an ice rink. It's no small task. These are the days that leave this Southern girl yelling inside, "STOP THE MADNESS!", but Ohio is where we're at these days and minus the winter war zones that pass through every once in awhile we like it. 

For now, I'm going to sit here with my electric heat, hot tea, blanket and sweatshirt and watch Oprah and then The Office all the while finishing this giant bag of conversation hearts (white...done, orange...done, on to yellow then green which will leave Corey yelling at me because I only left him pink and purple which he thinks tastes like soap). 

Here's to Spring which I KNOW is sure to be here before we know it. Right? 

(me, tomorrow. maybe I'll stay home after all...)

Meercats

Seth & Kate - they're some of our dearest friends in the whole world.  Although Seth is an incredibly smart and business savvy person his grammar is the type that'd make an English teacher cry themself to sleep every night.  Although he tries his hardest he's famous for misspelling words such as lose by typing loose...or website for websight...or mirror for meer. Yes, meer. Which is why I'm writing tonight. 

Roughly a year ago we were with Seth & Kate at another couple's house in Knoxville playing a little poker. Curtis (hubby #3) suddenly remembered a letter he had stumbled upon and since Corey, Seth & Curtis were inseparable in high school he knew we'd all get a kick out of reading it. Curtis had gone to a Young Life camp for a month one summer and since Seth and Corey missed their BFF so much they decided to write him a letter. Now, I won't go into why mirror was used in the letter since upon reading the letter it was one of the few (very few) times I've seen Seth actually blush. Nonetheless, I was the one reading it and when I got to "meer" only to realize that what he meant to write was "mirror" I suddenly stopped and started doing the painful laugh. You know what I mean...the type of laugh that makes your cheeks ache...the type of laugh that is from the depths of your soul...the type of laugh that is silent, but makes you cry. These types of laughs are always most memorable.

When I finally caught my breath I looked up at Seth and excitedly asked, "meer?!?! Like a meercat?!?!" "What's a meercat?", he asked. And, so a new animal was discovered for ol' Sethie that night. We learn something everyday. 

A few days later I was writing Katie an email and instead of signing 'Mercer' (which is my maiden name and what they all call me since I also went to high school with these crazy boys) I signed it MeERCatER. And, thus the nickname was born. Seth and Kate both for the past year have officially coined my new name as Meercater. 

So, of course you can imagine the excitement they had when giving me my Christmas present when visiting this weekend...




That's right. Meercat slippers. Next to my UGGs these are my new favorite shoes for the winter. So soft and fluffy and well...stylish if I might say so myself.  

Thanks, S&K for being our BFFs. You're the yin to our yang. 

xoxo, 

M'cater

(Seth & Kate ... proof at just how exciting of hosts we are! ;)

If I were an animal...

I'd be a bear. 
So I could hibernate all winter and wake when it's warm outside. Right now the temperature says 'feels like -7'. You'll be proud to know that Corey and I still got out and made it to the gym. Yes, we only did cardio for 30 minutes before spending an hour in the grocery store, but don't judge. We're doing what we can. I literally did cardio in my fleece vest because I was so cold I was for certain I had frostbite. 

So, anyway...I'm just checking in with all my faithful blog readers. We realized today that Corey has the next 8 out of 11 weekends off which means that we are actually going to feel a bit normal the next 2 months. It's times like this ... when he's home more ... that I realize just how difficult this whole medical path is. 

I've been spending all my time with him (he's always going to take precedence over everything else) and then the rest doing this workshop (which has been SUCH fun!), continuing to write the lessons (no, I do not have them all written 8oP), working like a mad woman on my 3 new websites (family, wedding and workshop) AND getting my new blog up and running. I'm hoping to have it all launched by mid-February. :) The workshop will be ending around the same time which means I'll then be bored and so I'll have to start counting down the days until Spring.... long sigh ... 

Until then I'm enjoying this nice winter break (just not the winter cold ... brrrr!).

xoxo, 

jc 

Winter Days [in the Cudzilo household]

I worked on my new website and finalized the details of my newly designed blog (to make its debut in February). 

He slept. 

I had a photo shoot.... with Chili. 

He woke up mid-day after working the night shift and settled in to our comfy chair and a half to catch up on the weeks of missed football. 

I IM'ed with my sister. 

He asked me to put my computer away. 

I watched nervously as the Vols went from being up by 15 points to losing in overtime. I bit all my nails off. 

He yelled at the TV, spatting out dozens of questions as if the players, coach and refs were actually going to answer. 

I retired to bed early so that I could read. 

He came in a bit later and read the new Time from cover to cover. 

I asked him what sleep apnea was. 

He explained. 

I told him he had it. 

He denied it. 

I laid my head on his chest and listened to his heart beat as he drifted off to sleep. I yelled him awake explaining to him that his breathing was much too labored and I was for certain he was stricken with sleep apnea. 

He got mad at me because I frightened him. 

We laughed. 

I woke up this morning just in time for coffee with a friend. 

He stayed smart and decided to enjoy his wintry day off in a cozy, warm home. 

We looked at each other and simultaneously felt guilty. 

We took Chili for a walk. 

We talked to some of our best friends who were also spending the day at home on speaker phone.  

He told a joke. 

We all laughed. 

He suggested we go to the gym. 

I suggested we not. 

He suggested we go to the gym quickly so that we could be done with it. 

I surrendered. 

I trudged along on the elliptical machine and thought about food. 

We ran to Best Buy so that I could drop another $100 on business stuff (does running every business cost so much?!). 

I spotted a Sonic. 

We ordered two lemon-berry slushes. 

I smelled burger. 

He pulled around to the window. 

I demanded we add on a burger. 

We split the most delicious burger I've ever had. 

I watched TV. 

He did the laundry AND made dinner (he insisted!). 

I told him that I felt weird just sitting there and that I'm not sure if I'd had so much house help in the time we've been in Cinci. 

He laughed and then called me a liar.  

We ate a delicious dinner. 

He cleaned (he insisted!). 

I wrote a post on my blog.

He felt good about himself. 

I felt loved. 

*****************************************