Tonight

I know this is a blogspot for my business not my personal journey, but let me use it as one just for tonight. (maybe I'll delete this tomorrow morning...)

Tonight I was sitting at a Super Bowl party (while Corey was working another 30 hour shift) and I got into a conversation about reality T.V. with another fellow intern, named Jen. I started thinking about how reality T.V. parallels with my thoughts on books and movies. I only like to read books that are biographies, auto-biographies or memoirs. I only like to watch movies that are at least based on true events and really I would take a documentary over anything. As for T.V., I unashamedly prefer reality T.V. - The Biggest Loser, American Idol, The Hills, Ellen, Intervention, Pageant Place, So You Think You Can Dance, The Bachelorette....

It's 2 a.m. and although I should be in bed I'm sitting here pondering why. Here are my thoughts...

I have a bit of an obsession with people - their facial expressions, their demeanor, the way they present themselves to a room full of people, their words, their eyes... Sometimes I find myself on the brink of stopping some stranger from whatever they're talking about, looking them in the eye, and saying, "You're beautiful and worth it. Do you know that?" or "You exude intelligence . You don't have to try so hard to make us believe you're smart. We see it for ourselves." or "I notice you. You're not in this room alone." or "How come you try so hard to look like you have everything together? Because you don't. And, it's okay. You're not perfect so give up the image and be yourself. Let people in. They'll love you. Promise." But, can you imagine? I would never get invited back to another party again! I would be labeled as the weird girl - the one to avoid under all circumstances. So, often times I do the exact opposite - retreat inside my head in a sense. It gets lonely there.

I think that's why I've pursued photography. This is not my dream job, like so many photographers say. I find so much energy from it, I do, but my dream job would be somewhere in the area of working with people one on one. Telling them that they are loved, and beautiful and smart, and imperfect and not alone and worth it. Telling them to stop acting like they feel as they should, but instead live out as God has made them. Telling them to stop making up excuses and start pursuing their true selves...their dreams.....wait a second...I should be telling this to myself...

(this is why I should delete this and go to bed).

Photography to me though, is a very close second. It's winter in Ohio and no business is coming in right now. There have been plenty of days where I start to photograph inanimate objects, but it feels so lonely. I would just rather my camera collect dust if I'm not capturing people. Capturing their face, their expressions, their eyes....oh, how I love to photograph eyes. Through photography I have permission to stare. I have permission to look at people directly in their eyes, to move in close, to study their moves, their eyebrows, their smile, their overall demeanor. And, although my subjects are not hiring me to do this, I simply can't help it. It's how I'm wired. I think this is why I have a natural talent for capturing the true essence of people. Through my lens I study people, and then I anticipate their next move - capturing that laugh just as it's breaking. I will never say that I'm good at all the technical stuff (can I get an amen?!), but I will say that I'm pretty good at capturing the soul.

Maybe one day I'll tell myself all the things I long to say to everyone around me. Until then, I'll use my lens as a window into other people's lives.